


Say My Galaxy

by LNJames



Series: Suddenly Everything Has Changed [13]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-18 22:12:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18127157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LNJames/pseuds/LNJames
Summary: In space, the hot of hot burn blue.Season 4/3 re-imagined. Canonish, with liberties and justice for all.





	Say My Galaxy

 

_~ o it was dusk & o the salt whisper ~  
_

 

Sometimes the night has other plans, other ideas on how the hours will tick by and how the minutes could be cast about like ruby dice, less by design and more by chance. With National City twinkling in the background, it was hard to argue with the way things fell into the space between friends and lovers. Lena Luthor probably should have predicted this. She should have accounted for this wild card of a variable in all of her equations and in the way the numbers added up. Kara Danvers could not be solved like a simple math problem or with the basic application of physics. Lena had come here with a different purpose in mind, a theory to test, a possibility that she didn’t want to entertain. Too many late nights, too many hours spent in the lab at L-Corp staring into the dark of a microscope and the stream of data coming from impersonal machines that didn’t love Kara like she did.

_“I have something to tell you.”_

When Kara had gently pulled her into her apartment after Lena’s reluctant words, she felt it. Fingers around her wrist burned like mint oil on her skin, atoms sparking at the contact between them and Lena knew she would abandon her purpose for coming here. She was a strong woman, yes, she knew that. She was the one who had suggested they take a step back and rekindle a friendship after the year they had. It was hard and necessary and they both agreed because after all was said and done, they wanted some things to remain the same and some to change. After everything, was it any surprise that her best laid plans were torn asunder the minute Kara opened the door? She was a strong woman, yes, but not strong enough.

***

_The answer was somewhere to be found in the right combination of metals and muscle fibers and mathematical vectors, and she needed more time. More time than she had already given and it was frustrating, she was frustrated and when Lena was at the end of her rope, it was a recipe for a collision, her cutting edge just under her surface ready to spike into steel, as if she were ice in a dark Atlantic._

_“Lena, I thought we talked about this. You said if you developed any weapons that could hurt Kryptonians, you would put them on my radar.”_

_Kara’s face hardened and her voice was exasperated as they all stood in the depths of her L-Corp lab, trying to find a way to save Sam and contain Reign. It wasn’t like Lena hadn’t been burning the midnight oil, thinking and creating and testing and trying and doing her best to solve this. There was little time, less time than she realized and the sting of an interrogation at the DEO was still there, burning. Whatever she had done or would do -- for Sam, for Kara -- she would, even if the means to that end were counterintuitive. Fighting fire with fire meant using all possible tools to contain something that could not be contained through conventional measures. Kara should know this._

_“This isn’t a weapon.”_

_Kara stared at her and spoke, shaking her head, dismissing the planning and the thought and the time Lena had spent alone figuring out what to do when there was no one else._

_“It might as well be._

_Lena crossed her arms and took in a deep breath, separating her feelings for Kara from the dubious superhero standing in front of her._

_“I told you about Kryptonite. And I will..tell you..if I make it again, because I agreed to that. But with regards to other things I work on, this may come as a shock to you, but I don’t think about you while I’m doing it.”_

_She heard her own voice, the sharpness of a lie that came out because she knew sharp words and had learned their power early on. The unwelcome daughter of Lillian Luthor was at the breaking point, trying everything she could for a friend. It hurt because it was personal, how could it not be. She stared at someone she thought she could count on to understand and realized that she had to be very careful with the things she said and the things she cared about. She learned this, too, from the Luthors, for better or for worse._

***

Lena’s resolve drifted away sometime between the moment she put her purse down and Kara tucked her hands into the pockets of her jeans and looked down. Kara’s apartment felt like home and Kara felt like home and there was no other way to explain it. Lena wanted to feel like she had a place to be, that she could walk through a door and feel like she knew how it would all turn out. They would set the table and pour the wine and fall into the ‘how was your day’ of their day as if that kind of a dream was something Lena could have for longer than a wishful moment. It made her dizzy at how close she had come to it, how they both had been happy and it had slipped through their fingers. When Kara looked up at her and smiled, something soft and gentle and safe, Lena fully forgot why she came here in the first place. All she knew was that she wanted inside and that she was too tired to ignore how her heart still beat wildly because she saw Kara Danvers shine, saw her glow. Magic had nothing on Kara and Lena wanted to believe in the impossible after the dark year they had.

***

_Lena kept her head down and tried not to think about Reign’s words coming out of Sam’s mouth, the ominous threat that time was running out. ‘She doesn’t have much left.’ As if Lena didn’t know that, as if she needed to be reminded that she was a mere mortal who was living on borrowed time. Sam didn’t have much time either, the world was running out too and that weight was like a brick in her heart blocking the flow of what she needed. It didn’t help that she and Supergirl...Kara..were in the middle of cracking apart and unraveling. The Worldkillers were earning their name in more ways than one._

_She scrolled through her emails as she walked into the lab while others left, Mon-El and Winn glancing her way before leaving without a word to her. Lena was looking for test results from Eve’s latest algorithm, something, anything that would help deliver a deadly payload of poison without killing a human host. It reminded her of her days with Jack Spheer and how close they had come to solving that one, curing what makes the body weak, destroying cancer before cells ate themselves alive because there was nothing stopping them. She didn’t want to history to repeat, didn’t want to have to sacrifice Sam for Kara like she had with Jack. She could save them all if she had enough time, if the damn numbers finally added up to something real. When she looked up, Kara was standing there, cape hanging like a red flag, hands on her hips. Any other time, it would take her breath away because Kara always did. Any other time, Lena would welcome a superhero’s presence. Now, it felt..like a rending of the softest, sharpest kind._

_“I’m not closer to finding a cure for Sam than I was this morning so..”_

_Lena busied her hands and kept her back turned, it was easier this way._

_“I don’t like this..tension..between us, Lena...”_

_At Kara’s voice, the way she sounded, Lena turned and faced her. She detected a hint of something, regret perhaps and it made Lena cross her arms in front of her. It was past the point of stating the obvious. Kara continued, a hero made mortal in moments like this, less steel and more flesh and blood._

_“And I know it’s my fault. I know James told you what I asked him to do. And, look, I feel terrible about it.”_

_That had cut too, that Kara had gone to James and used their collegial relationship and Guardian’s tools to try to infiltrate Lena’s private vault looking for evidence of her supposed evil. While it was true that she had used the last of Lex’s Kryptonite with Sam, she had also discovered his recipe, his breadcrumbs to making synthetic Kryptonite that was just as deadly. When it came to weighing the risk of losing Kara’s trust and doing any and everything in her power to save Sam and defeat Reign, Lena chose what she chose. Things were neither black nor white and this was what it was like to live in the gray, in the blur between right and wrong. But life was like that and Lena knew herself enough to know that she would give up something of her own for someone else. She was resigned to living with the consequences of those choices. Kara looked at her and put her hands on her hips, her eyes trying to connect._

_“I made a huge mistake and I’m sorry.”_

_Lena wondered if Kara would have told her if James hadn’t shared it with Lena first. James Olsen had a hard time choosing between the two of them, loyalties and duty and responsibility and love were all mixed up in that man. She knew he had loved Kara, they had love each other and maybe James looked at her too with something wistful, it was hard to miss. But Lena had ignored it because it had been an unfortunate distraction at a time when Kara and Lena needed neither. He couldn’t help it and Lena held no ill will. Who wouldn’t do anything for Kara? That wasn’t the problem and she was still hurt._

_“It’s easy to admit your mistake when you’ve been exposed.”_

_Kara nodded her head, chagrin changing her features as she nodded, a tight smile that was anything but happy crossing her lips._

_“That’s fair..”_

_Kara came closer and Lena did her best to keep her distance. She could do that if she had to, she would do this if forced. Kara looked at her and continued, her head shaking a little as she spoke._

_“I just don’t want one mistake to ruin our relationship, that’s all.”_

_Lena inhaled and kept her arms solidly across her chest, walling off the place where she was weakest. It felt like thunder rolling under her ribs. Lena was calm in the face of her own storm. Shutting off was an easier option when she felt like she had no choice._

_“It won’t.”_

_Kara nodded as if it were that easy and smiled._

_“Good.”_

_“We don’t need to have a relationship, Supergirl.”_

_Lena was good at distance and making things clear. She was good at separating a superhero from her heart if she had to and right now, she couldn’t trust the one wearing a cape. Kara, maybe, but Lena’s trust was shaken by someone so close to her, so close, that she could barely swallow the thought. Lena nodded, establishing a different dynamic between them because it was too hard to look at blue eyes and not want to cave so she approached this objectively, clinically, detached. She made sure to keep her voice steady, her eyes steady, her heart steeled. Lena could be whatever she needed to be in moments like these, someone else ripped out of her own body to let go of something she desperately loved. Second person. Not Lena._

_“All this time we’ve been working together, it’s been about work. We have a mission to complete. And I am not about to let any tension between you and I get in the way of that. Are you?”_

_It had been about work and nothing personal. Lena boxed up all the personal that it had been and put it in one labeled ‘work’ and labeled ‘mission’ and labeled ‘do not open without a key’. Kara looked at her, stricken, and nodded her head to confirm._

_“Of course.”_

_Lena walked away because if she didn’t walk away now, she would crack. She felt Kara’s eyes on her back, skittish warmth on her skin, her voice not sounding convinced of her words._

_“I..I just hope, um, when we solve this, we can work to rebuild our trust..”_

_Kara was looking at her like she was grasping for something between them, wanting things to remain the same when everything had changed. Two good people could go in different directions, could be forced to do things for good reasons that could still hurt. She and Kara would have to be different people to get through this, the good and the bad and the ugly, whatever it took._

_“Why is it so important to you now? I trusted you without hesitation. And you chose to believe I could be like..Lex.”_

_Lena reached up and felt her own heart, making sure it hadn’t broken on the outside, shards poking through her skin. She had to do this, she had to the distance of an ocean between her and a superhero in order to save herself and save Sam._

_“Given my family history, you know how painful this is. If I can’t trust you, of all people…”_

_Lena hesitated because it hit her like a ton of bricks. If she couldn’t trust Kara, who could she in this world? It was the darkest feeling and all Lena could do was swallow coal like a lump in her mouth and steel herself. If there was one thing she was good at, it was closing off and shutting down and being someone else when it hurt too much to be her. All those years with Lillian taught her the art and science of removing her feelings from her body with surgical precision. She could cut out her own heart if she had to and she would if necessary. Lena could disappear and replace herself like a magician, slight of hand, illusionist to the end. The math of that was not hard and she knew those numbers by heart. She leveled her eyes and cleared her burning throat before she spoke again, formality and distance carrying across the divide between them._

_“I think it would be better if we take a break from..us. It’s for the best right now.”_

_Kara stared back at her and all Lena could see was the chaos dancing along the surface of her skin. Kara’s eyes were rimmed with red threatening to spill as she gave Lena a nod, perfunctory and shaken. Everything hurt everyone and that was life and that was where they were right now. The rock and the hard place spared no one._

_“Understood.”_

_They stared at each other while she felt her own face solidify into something like stone. She could tell Kara knew what this meant, they both did. Something finally broke inside and Lena had to turned away, unable to look at Kara anymore lest she falter. It took everything Lena had to slip outside of herself, to stop being who she was and to be someone who could do and say these things to someone she loved. And she wondered if one day she could return and feel herself again, reappear with her heart beating its way out of all those boxes. All she felt was cavernous cold and stock empty, like a good Luthor._

***

Now, as she sat on Kara’s couch, the pain she had felt then was dulled by time and circumstance and the way Kara looked at her. Reign had been defeated, the Worldkillers were gone and they all had been left to pick up the pieces in their own ways. Lena had come here for a reason, had second-guessed it, and now found herself pulled into the comfort of Kara’s apartment. She couldn’t help it if she had craved the familiar smell of where Kara lived, where she tried to cook, the pillows on the couch Lena now nestled against like long-lost friends. She reached up and ran her hand through her hair as she had watched Kara turn off the TV and turn on a dim lamp, bathing them both in golden light. There Kara was, no longer a superhero, no longer someone who was lost to Argo City or lost to Reign. Here, she was just Kara Zor-El, soft purple cardigan and jeans and hair in a messy bun, no glasses, just her unwavering blue eyes on Lena. She missed this, Lena missed everything about this and it made her tongue stumble from its original intent.

“I’m sorry...I just..”

Lena looked down at her hands and wondered why she ever thought she could come here again at this hour of the night as a friend to talk about what troubled her head. After so long pushing everything aside, all her feelings, Lena should have known better. All that missing between when they broke apart and now came rushing back in Lena’s own ears. It roared in her and left her lightheaded.

Who had she become? What choices had she made? How did she think putting Kara in a box deep inside her was ever going to work? All Lena wanted was to know how Kara felt, if Kara remembered how her body could spark magic on Lena’s skin, how her hands on Lena’s hips could move her, how Kara’s arms could hold Lena’s weight. She smiled at her own weakness for thinking she could live without the person who was now smiling back at her. She smiled because no walls, no bricks could ever keep someone like Kara contained. Silly her for thinking it so. Lena continued the best she could.

“I wondered how you were..if everything was okay? How you’re feeling?”

Maybe if Lena hadn’t felt warmth brush her lips when Kara’s eyes flicked down to her mouth, they could have stayed the way they were, Lena on one end of couch and Kara on the other, friends who had become lovers who had become friends again. Maybe if Lena hadn’t watched the ripple of Kara’s throat swallow, this could have been easier. Maybe if she hadn’t been mesmerized by the way Kara’s fingers ran along the edge of her sweater, Lena could have stopped this. It was too hard to be friends when it was easier to fall into wanting this, to let her heart beat again and reappear as if by magic. Maybe her own question was less about Kara and more about her: _Is this a possibility after everything?_

“I, um..I feel like, like I’m missing..”

Here Kara’s words were so soft that Lena had to watch her mouth to read her lips, as if she could have dragged her eyes away. The pause was enough for Kara to look back at her, one word left to say.

‘..you..”

That’s when Lena saw what made her feel the things she had closed off and it was a vision. Kara was always a vision, an ethereal being that somehow existed in Lena’s world before she even knew it or had a name for what she saw. She had always been good at seeing things no one else could, finding patterns and hidden messages and secrets. Just under the surface of Kara’s skin, there was a soft glow and all Lena could do was look at Kara, her own lips parting at what was still there, what was still possible. Kara’s hand reached out across the distance on the couch and she felt electricity from fingertips skirting along her arm. Kara’s hand buzzed with the spark of the sun inside and it brought a shiver down the back of her neck.

“Kara..”

Lena missed this name on her lips and the way she could taste it. She felt something inside shift, felt herself soften, felt herself remember. Kara. Kara. Always Kara. No matter what had happened, there was always this, always her. Lena took in a deep breath and waited. Her eyes caught Kara’s looking back at her, asking for something unnamed. She knew it was hard to be someone like Kara, torn between expectations only a hero could carry and the way she was with Lena, especially now. There were few places Kara could be someone who could want and need without feeling like she had to explain. Lena was one of those places and if that was enough, she would be that. After everything, after what Kara had lost and what she too had lost, Lena wanted a vision to shake her heart into beating again. She whispered when Kara’s fingers hesitated against her shoulder.

“Don’t stop..”

Sometimes she had had to tell Kara that, when they were still lovers, when she could see that Kara wanted her but was reluctant to act. She watched as Kara inhaled and moved towards her and all Lena wanted was to find what they had lost. Her own hands reached for Kara’s hips as they both moved until Kara was straddling her lap as if no time had ever passed, as if this is how they had always been Neither could take their eyes off the other, searching for doubt or hesitation, anything that said this wasn’t what they wanted. Having Kara so close, feeling a gentle weight and strong hands on her shoulders, Lena bit her lip to keep from sounding as needy as she felt. Kara spoke instead, her eyes never leaving Lena’s.

“Are you sure?”

Kara’s hands couldn’t stop themselves from running up along Lena’s neck and threading through her hair. Lena closed her eyes at the way it made her feel, electric current like nothing else on earth and nothing science could explain. She had tried, once, to measure it as if a simple galvanometer, a human made tool could ever begin to explain Kara, no machine was worthy, no number holy enough for the task. Her fingers found belt loops and she held on, just in case the air called Kara to it like a siren song and her super one would flee.

So, was she sure? Of course not, because being sure of this meant that Lena could see the future as a golden room where she could have everything she wanted and that did not exist. Not on this earth, not anywhere. But she did have this moment and that was enough, even if she felt herself slipping towards the inevitable. the pull of dark over light, swinging her from gray to a place where all colors are absorbed. Lena’s thumbs drifted up and found a hint of hot skin at Kara’s waist and wondered if everything she touched was a miracle or a mirage. She opened her eyes when she felt warmth against her cheeks, across her brow, hesitant blue eyes trying to see inside her. Not even a superhero with amazing abilities could see everything, not every lock had a key. Lena whispered because they were both so quiet and suspended in the wait.

“Are you?”

Kara leaned in when Lena pushed a soft shirt up a little, the edges of cardigan gathering at her wrists until all she held was skin warmed by the sun. Lena stared into Kara’s eyes and thought about how long it had been and what they had missed, the time they had lost and how close they both had come. _How light fools us._ It made her feel reckless and caged all at once. Blue eyes darkened at the way Lena’s nails tried to press into impervious, impossible skin.

“I’m....yes..”

Lena couldn’t help herself at Kara’s response and the solid soft hands in her hair that followed, encouraging her own body lean into this. Lena’s mouth found Kara’s neck, kissing wetly before her teeth failed to sink into skin of steel. It was not for lack of trying. She pressed her tongue against warmth instead and tasted Kara, so full of electric life ignited from another planet, fueled by a sun that loved Kara more than she could. Lena wanted to make up for lost time and the almost loss. Her hands felt the glow under them as Kara’s ribs expanded with each breath and she smiled into a column of pliant muscle that pulsed under her lips.

“You are..”

Her own voice, deepened by having Kara close again, seemed to stir something in the body her hands held. She felt herself pushed back against the couch, Kara’s hand on her shoulder, other pressed against her cheek, thumb now on her bottom lip. Just under the surface, she could feel the power Kara controlled and checked just for her. It’s why she quieted and let herself be held in place and watched like water about to boil over.

“I’m not sure I can keep from hurting you right now, Lena.”

Kara’s words were so quiet, so honest that Lena kept still.

“I know.”

The hand on her face slipped down until it wrapped around Lena’s neck, thumb under her jaw, and Kara took a deep breath. Sometimes the difference between life and death had nothing to do with science and everything to do with the desire for one or the other. No one lives forever, not even a superhero, and the sooner Lena realized that, the better. She should have known, but a mind like hers had a hard time letting go. There had to be an answer, some magic formula that could make miracles. Somewhere out there everything made sense and Kara was at the center of it all, radiating, luminous, slowly burning everything in her path. She felt Kara’s fingers press against her and wondered about how far and fast Kara had fallen to earth and why she could feel the speed in each of Kara’s fingertips. It was the miracle. It was the gift. It was the magic.

“Lena..I need you to help me...”

Lena swallowed and Kara’s eyes flicked down to her hand, a tell that Kara felt her throat as fingers squeezed in response. It had been too long since Kara’s hands had been on her, too long since they had given in to this, too long since a superhero could stop being perfect and could want and take with a solar flare fueling her. Kara needed to feel something alive and warm and human under her hands, the remnant cravings from her lost time stuck in space so far away from everything. Lena knew this, it was a secret Kara couldn’t keep. Lena knew how Kara could be when the world became too much.

She also knew herself and why she encouraged and sought out such things. Maybe this would keep her honest, keep her from slipping further away towards her own tempting darkness now locked away in a lab full of promises and possibilities. Maybe that was asking too much, even from a superhero. Lena looked into Kara’s eyes and saw a plea, saw her own questions reflected in a blaze of blue and gold. Is this our last chance?

“You can have this, Kara. I want this from you..and it’s okay..”

Lena slowly reached up and put her hand on Kara’s, softly slipping her fingers under strong ones until she felt a loosening from her neck. She kept her eyes on Kara and watched her inhale deeply until Lena held her hand. Lena spoke quietly, gently.

“..you can want this..”

Slowly, she brought Kara’s hand to her mouth, pressing her lips against knuckles that had history and violence and tenderness all trapped inside, held back by will alone. The sting on her tongue made Lena feel the stars and wonder how such a thing could exist, how was it possible, all the hows and whys filling her mouth like galaxies distant and alive. With her eyes still on Kara’s, she moved that hand down to the front of her shirt where the deep v of it came together and pearly buttons clasped dove gray silk as tenuously as this moment.

“..you can take this..”

Words helped in times like these, they reassured and affirmed and granted. Lena felt warmth on her skin, Kara’s eyes pulling away from her own and trailing down her neck until they settled in the valley between her breasts now barely visible from the stretch of fabric. She could feel how hot Kara’s hand was as a fingertip skimmed over the faint pattern of her blouse, thin red lines curving into nowhere and everywhere over a gray sky covering her arms and breasts. Lena let her arms slacken and fall to the side, her palms pressed into Kara’s couch. Her own breathing picked up as she waited. Kara glanced back up at her and she could tell it was only a matter of time before all that power and energy was unleashed on her like a thundering ocean wave. Lena could feel what was coming and she would be lying if she didn’t welcome the deluge.

“... _sokao._.”

This alien word Lena had learned to say opened many doors. Sakao had been spilled against her own skin time and time again, Kara’s lips speaking a lost star language as if it gave her breath. Please meant the same thing in every language, it sounded the same when said low and desperate and demanding as it did when said softly, full of longing and buried sadness. The word had power over them both, tearing down walls or setting everything on fire, depending on whose mouth had enough courage to voice the request. Redness and heat flowed upward along Kara’s neck and settled in her cheeks as her eyes went from Lena’s face to slide down her body. Lena could feel her own pulse race at the effect she could have on a body not her own.

Kara’s hand was a lifeline to what she wanted, signalling intent even when Kara couldn’t always articulate it. That same hand hesitated before Kara ripped her shirt, splitting it down the middle like paper and literally no match for a superhero. Ripping fabric and tearing buttons was a substitute for skin and bone and tendons; the act was a proxy for breaking her open and apart, her flesh like tissue or steel, it made no difference. Lena welcomed the rending and the tender violence that came with it. Kara sometimes wrestled with the destruction her hands could bring, but Lena saw Kara as a revelation. They couldn’t begin again and rebuild without destroying and burning down the past. Kara’s whisper filled the space between them and sent a shiver down the back of Lena’s neck.

“ _Sokao..zhalish_ …”

Lena sucked in air as she watched Kara, her eyes now sharp and hungry devouring Lena’s exposed skin. Kara’s hands pushed the shirt off her shoulders and she leaned forward enough for it to fall down her arms behind her back, trapping Lena’s wrists in silk. It was easier this way, it was easier to show Kara that this was all hers if she wanted. Kara’s fingertips shook as they skimmed along Lena’s upper arms and shoulders, sparks tracing a burning path on her pale skin and raising tiny bumps in waves. They hooked into the straps of her dark vermillion bra and Kara’s eyes found hers again.

“I missed you…so much..”

There was desire and sadness and relief in Kara’s voice and all Lena could do was exhale and tell Kara that she understood by the look in her own eyes and how her body shivered under Kara’s gaze. Lena’s words were low and throaty.

“Show me..”

Lena knew she was walking a fine line, playing with proverbial fire and stoking the flame. She was surprised by the tenderness and the slowness instead, Kara pulling down one strap as if there was all the time in the world, as if her hands were meant to hold delicate things and not lift ships or the weight of the world. The only thing giving Kara away was her breathing, deep and steady and so warm that Lena wanted to lean into the mouth in front of her and take in a full bottom lip to feel the burn. She would have, too, she would have tasted that blazing softness if Kara’s hand hadn’t pressed her shoulder back into the couch with enough force to get her attention.

“Don’t move..”

Kara’s words were a warning and Lena looked into the storm, her pulse suddenly racing.

“...please..”

That word. Again and said so gently and earnestly that Lena tried not to smile at how Kara slipped through, always considerate, always checking in before she ravished. Chivalry had its place, yes, but Lena also wanted the unbridled and the unchecked that Kara could wield. It had been too long and she knew how to encourage. With a slight tilt of her head, Lena raised an eyebrow and bit her lip, her shoulders settling back to present herself for the taking.

“I’m not going anywhere you don’t want me, Kara...I promise..”

She watched as Kara’s eyes took her in, one of her hands going absently to tuck a loose blond strand behind her ear as she leaned forward. Warm breath and warm lips against the swelling curve of her breast over her heart made Lena close her eyes. She took in a deep breath as Kara kissed against her so gently she thought she might lose her mind. Kara held her solidly in place, soft lips pressed fully and wetly against her heart as if to capture each beat and all Lena could do was wait. Her own words were breathless.

“You can have everything...”

Lena felt herself freed, felt a strong hand cup her breast out of silky lace and a thumb glide over her hardened nipple, already more sensitive than she realized. It was the missing, it had to be, and it was enough for her to lean her head back against the couch, eyes closed to feelings that came with each swipe and pull and pinch of fingers that could crush steel if they chose. Instead, they were full of wonder and softness and intent. What wouldn’t she give to Kara, someone who would never ask for anything, was there anything she would keep from her? _Don’t answer that._

“Tell me you missed me too..”

Lena opened her eyes at Kara’s words, less an order than a gentle request spoken out into their little universe. Kara was looking up at her, watching everything on her face as if she could see inside. Her own voice was ragged with emotion.

“I missed you so fucking much..so much, Kara..”

Lena gasped when she watched Kara’s mouth cover her nipple in response, greedy and desperate in her lips’ quest to devour. She would have put her hands in Kara’s hair if they weren’t trapped behind her; all she could do was push herself further forward and hope it was enough. Kara’s hand held her breast, squeezing with enough pressure and enough awareness that it only hurt in the best way. Lena felt another hand reach around and carefully unhook three hooks before tossing her bra to parts unknown. Favored bras were priceless and Kara loved this one enough to resist damaging. Now, she was completely exposed and the warmth of Kara’s eyes roaming across her breasts made Lena suck in a breath.

“ _Rrip kruvuzh_ …”

Sometimes Kara lost herself a little, her mouth full of what she wanted and the words she thought coming out against Lena’s skin in soft wonder. Sometimes Kara told her what the words meant and sometimes Lena could only guess. She had learned a few of Kara’s favorites, but some Kryptonian words were a secret code she hadn’t yet mastered. Whatever the case, Lena saw Kara’s eyes close as super lips and tongue all worked together, soft at times, harder at others, drinking her in until the sounds Lena was making in response were laced with desire and need growling at the back of her throat. It was enough to make the room spin because now Kara had picked her up like she was a feather and carried her into her bedroom, shedding her shirt like leaves along the way.

“Fuck…”

It was all Lena could say when her back hit the cold wall and Kara was pressing into her, spurred on by forbidden words said in the heat of the moment and words Kara herself could never say. Lena’s neck was a magnet for Kara’s mouth and Lena’s hands did the best they could, tangling into a messy bun of blond hair, freeing it to try to keep Kara untamed. Lena heard plaster crack next to her head and saw one of Kara’s hand leave its mark on a wall that couldn’t resist her power. It made her hips press up against Kara’s thigh now occupying space between her legs. Lena would make room on her body for Kara wherever she wanted.

“..more..more of you...”

Kara mumbled this against her shoulder, teeth grazing her collar bone, lips sucking in to mark without regard to delicate human skin. Lena missed everything all at once and it hit her deep and low. She had a thought that formed a silent word: _Yours_. Second person possessive. No other faith was light enough for this place and Lena wanted to believe someone truly wanted her for her. In the darkest part of the night, she wanted something to shine on her like gold to chase away the doubts and the fears that no one would ever understand her or love her. History leaves its scars and Lena had tried hard to hide them all. The only problem was that Kara’s mouth found them all so easily it unraveled everything. Kara’s mumbled word hot against her neck brought her back to the here and now with a jolt.

“..mine..”

She could feel Kara’s body thrumming with power and humming against her and Lena wanted more. She pushed a cardigan off shoulders and fumbled at a pair of jeans while Kara tried to shoo her hands away to no avail. Lena finally got Kara’s attention when her own mouth found Kara’s, warm and wet and softer than seemed real. How could it be possible for the girl of steel to have a mouth that felt like water. Lena groaned into the kiss, deepening it as she felt her own black slacks falling from her hips until she kicked off her heels because it was too hard to stand when Kara’s shirt came off and there was only skin on skin, breast against breast, small taut nipples rubbing against her own. Her sailor mouth betrayed her again.

“Fuck..”

Somewhere close to the pulse point of her neck sensitive from the attention, she heard Kara laugh a little and it sounded like gentle rain.

“I’m trying, Lena..”

And it made her smile too at how messy and amazing and fun and full of need Kara made her feel and how much she missed this. Now it was right back where she could hold on to it, that precious thing that threaded through all that she thought and felt and knew. Lena’s body was singing as Kara’s hands lifted under her thighs and spun her around until they both were falling and falling and falling into where the missing fell, landing in soft sheets the color of camellias. Her vision blurred as Kara’s body covered her, blond hair falling on her in waves and waves. Everything slowed down and they both took in a deep breath. Kara looked down at her as she spoke.

“I have something to tell you.”

For a moment, Lena went stiff, afraid of what came next. Kara pushed the hair from her face, holding herself above Lena, their bodies still pressed together skin on skin. Kara’s fingertips grazed over Lena’s brow as she shook her head a little.

“I’m sorry..about a lot of things..”

Lena exhaled at Kara’s words, her own coming out gently.

“I’m sorry too..”

They both had a million apologies stuck inside them, souvenirs of what had happened and Lena had scrapbooks full of them. Apologies for what she had done and what she would do and what she hadn’t said and what she had, Lena meant every word of it. They both hurt each other, they both had caused pain and worry and anger and resentment and fear and everything that came with it, the choices they both made, the whole year of breaking. Apologies for what she was doing now, apologies for trying to solve something that was unsolvable, apologies for wanting to live forever if it meant she could spend that kind of time with someone like Kara, apologies for being someone Kara felt she couldn’t trust because maybe, just maybe, she wasn’t who she wanted to be no matter how hard she tried because maybe, just maybe, she was damaged on the inside and lost and only a superhero could save her when she couldn’t save herself anymore. It was inevitable, really, the fall that she could feel coming. Her own fall was coming unless there was a miracle and she had seen one or two but the elusive third may never come. Lena felt warmth on her face, felt a hand against her cheek, and realized she was crying.

“Hey..hey..Lena..”

And there was Kara looking at her, brows in a crinkle at the shift. Lena took a deep breath, feeling a small smile come out even as she reached up and brushed away wetness running down the side of her face.

“Sorry..I didn’t mean to do..that.”

Lena briefly wondered how many tears were held in a heart, were they finite or infinite - why did hers slip away without her permission every time.

“No no..no more sorries. You’re allowed to..feel what you feel without apologies.”

“I just..”

Lena stopped for a second. She was in National City. She was in Kara’s apartment. She was in Kara’s bed. She pulled herself back together and tried to ground herself, her hand going to Kara’s shoulder to touch what was real. So many months of putting what she felt far far away from where it could hurt, so many months of compartmentalizing who she was and what she was doing and why. One Lena spent her time underground in her L-Corp lab trying to build a more perfect person using every Luthor trick in the book, one Lena still owned CatCo, albeit half-heartedly, and watched James caught in the middle between her and Kara, and another Lena spent her nights alone, existing yet not fully, and pretending she didn’t need someone like Kara in her life. She had become someone else, separate from her heart. Growing up in a Luthor household trained her well. But it took its toll, survival always cost her more than money could ever buy. Lena heard her own words sound so small and far away.

“I think I’m lost..”

Maybe saying it out loud would prevent it from being so, maybe naming what she knew would be a magic silver bullet. Kara’s fingertip brushed against her lips so soft and gentle Lena almost forgot they could break and bend the world.

“Lena..”

Lena was playing the long game, moving pieces on both sides of the board in a grand plan that would either turn out perfectly or destroy everything. There was no room for gray when the board was black and white. The only problem was it put her queen at risk. Lena closed her eyes briefly when she felt Kara’s lips press against her own and tasted royalty, rich and deep and star-born.

“You’re right here...I see you..”

Lena opened her eyes to deep blue and it was true, Kara was looking, Kara saw what no one else could. Moments like these pulled all the parts of her together in one place and Lena could feel complete for as long as the magic lasted. So she pressed up to find more skin, more of that connection, more of Kara. Saving herself started somewhere and the only way to not be lost was to be found.

“Kara..”

Lena reached down and encouraged slim hips to adjust on top of her, her own thighs making room, her own heart expanding at the same time. She wasn’t sure where or how it would all end, but at this moment, she needed salvation even if she could never say that part out loud. Kara’s voice settled deep inside and reverberated like a drum.

“I see you..”

A soft mouth opened for her and she leaned up, capturing lips with her own like a lifeline. There was the weight of Kara pressing into her hips and it was enough to remind her of gravity. Lena was trying to keep Kara from the air as if her body was magnetic enough for such a thing. She spread her hands across Kara’s back, fingers digging into the spaces between ribs like golden ladders, each one hot to the touch. Lena chased the burn as much as she could, her tongue sliding against Kara’s teeth in just the right way to make a superhero inhale sharply. Mere mortals had some power after all and Lena used it to speak against lips.

“Touch me..”

Lena wanted to wipe away all the doubts and the fears and the loss and sometimes that meant asking in a voice that gave her away, that let desperation show. Kara kissed her harder and lifted up just enough for her hand to push against Lena’s thigh and spread her open. There were no secrets in how Lena’s body sought the light and how Kara knew that better than anyone else. Lena’s own hand covered strong knuckles and bones and fingers that could heal and hurt in equal measure and encouraged Kara to find her.

“Lena...you’re so..”

She let out a soft groan when Kara’s hand pressed against silk, fingers sliding under her own hand. Kara pulled back enough to look down her body and Lena could feel the warmth of her eyes trail along her peaks and valleys. Sometimes she had to ask for what she wanted to hear because Kara could fall into her body and forget herself.

“Tell me..”

Kara gave her a glance before she took a deep breath, her hand slipping under cloth at Lena’s hip until she heard a rip, her black silk panties no match. And then there was nothing but a warm palm pressing against her and Lena could only push up in hopes of more. Kara’s mouth was on hers again and she felt teeth and tongue until she couldn’t breathe. This was what it must like to be in a supernova, hot and helpless in an inevitable collapse.

“..you’re so wet...so wet…”

Kara’s face was now pressed into her neck, mumbling into her skin as Kara’s shoulder flexed and every muscle in her arm was straining to hold back. That’s not what she wanted, Lena wanted to unleash and untame and set free everything raw and elemental in Kara. Fusion born of flesh and blood and magic between the both and it was what drew them together despite everything. Lena couldn’t help but moan when Kara’s fingers slid against her, sparking into her electric and miraculous.

“..for you..only for you..”

The truth only hurt a little bit when one of Kara’s fingers pressed inside strong and steady and seeking. It felt like a piece of the puzzle was falling into place and Lena sucked in a breath. Her hips tilted up, seeking more as Kara lifted her head and looked at her, mesmerized.

“ You’re so warm...I..”

Kara’s voice was a whisper full of wonder, as if this was their first time or their last and it made Lena press her hand into Kara’s, helping another finger to slip into her. Her body clenched around the fullness, moving in time to the sliding. Lena licked against Kara’s mouth as blond hair tangled in her face and blue eyes closed at the feeling. She ran her hand up Kara’s arm, settling on a bicep because Lena wanted to feel strength and muscle working on her body. Her hips pressed up at the same time as her words encouraged.

“You what? Tell me, Kara…”

“I..want..”

Lena rolled up to meet Kara’s hand, feeling warm breath against her lips and Kara’s eyes on hers.

“Mm hmm..you want…”

She could feel fingers sliding into her a little harder, slickness against her thigh as she spread wider. Kara’s eyes went dark when Lena raised her arms above her head, wrist over wrist, knowing what would provoke.

“So take...”

She wasn’t disappointed when she heard a low sound in the back of Kara’s throat and felt a hand of steel reach up and grab her wrists, holding them down in the sheets above her. There would be bruises later. There had been bruises before followed by guilt followed by reassurance followed by love. Lena never minded the side effects of being in love with someone whose hands sometimes felt guilty for what the sun did to them. Kara held the burden and responsibility of being a hero who could perform miracles to save the earth but who wished for tenderness, who practiced being gentle, who needed a softer place to land when the world was too hard. Lena bruised in the name of love. But her skin had been unmarked and pristine and a blank canvas untouched ever since they unraveled and broke apart. Her body had been too quiet, too white, too unloved for too long. The feeling of pressure against her wrists set her heart beating faster, Kara’s eyes narrowing at the sound.

Lena felt her body rocked and moved and driven into, three fingers filling her, knuckles bruising against her and she was pure liquid. Kara moved her body with each push inside and she could feel her breasts bounce in time against Kara’s body. She tilted her neck and it was enough of an invitation for Kara’s mouth to latch on to her in a messy blur of lips and teeth and tongue. It was everything she missed and the sounds of Kara’s breathing, ragged and wet against her neck and her jaw and her ear made her try to tighten around Kara. Lena wanted to pretend that her body was enough, that she could make Kara feel her and could hold her as close as Lena wanted.

“I like when you do that..I can feel you, Lena..”

Kara’s low words in her ear caused a shiver down her body and she spread her leg wider, the other trapped under the weight of Kara. At that, Kara slowed down, her fingers still stretching inside but now her palm cupped against Lena. She whined a little at the change in pace until Kara kissed her so softly, she closed her eyes at the tender and the warmth and the spark of lips against her own.

“Do you know how beautiful you look right now? So beautiful..”

It was funny, sometimes Lena had to coax words out of Kara and sometimes Kara tamed enough to speak when Lena couldn’t. They fit that way, they traded what was needed when it was needed. This was the magic and Lena missed it so much that all she could do was open her eyes and ask for what she wanted without saying a word. Kara was staring at her intently, studying her face and her mouth and her eyes. Slowly, Kara pressed into her and back out, slow in, slow out, filling her in a different rhythm. This new song made Lena want everything even when knew she could only have a fraction, and some numbers would never add up.

“You’re here with me, Lena..”

Her own hips slowed, the grounding of Kara’s words and the slowness of being full and then empty and then full again made Lena’s head spin a little, made her hands anxious enough that Kara felt it and let her wrists go, letting her reach up and hold on to super shoulders instead.

“We’re right here...together..”

Kara’s weight on her shifted and she felt the slickness left behind on her thigh when Kara moved off of her. It was dizzying, it was all full of slow deepness and Kara’s hand pressing into her, fingertips reaching inside so gently and steady that Lena’s mouth opened as if to speak. Kara’s words filled the space she couldn’t.

“I see you..I see you…I love you..”

How could they come back to this place after everything? How could someone like Kara find someone like Lena, each lost and found and lost again in their own ways. So much is held in a heart in a lifetime. There would never be someone like Kara, no one could replicate or come close and there was no way Lena could live forever, no matter the science or the will or the brilliant mind trying to solve a problem that was never meant to be solved. Lena put her hands on Kara’s face and tried to commit it to memory, tried to engrain this moment into something immortal and encoded inside of her. When the world eventually turned, Lena would still have this and it was enough.

“Kara..I want all of you..”

As if. As if that were possible, as if she could dream of such a thing. You can’t be saved if you don’t ask.

“Are you sure?”

Kara’s lips were against hers and Lena was one hundred percent sure of nothing and everything all at once. Her own hand trembled as it left a warm red cheek and slid down a long neck and over a strong shoulder and down an arm that could hold the world like a feather. She took a deep breath and nodded, her own hand gliding over Kara’s covered in slick wetness, her own testament to a love everlasting, infinite.

“ _Rao_..”

Kara was light personified and Lena felt fingers curl, soften, become gentle and small. She felt her own body shift and accommodate the slow, inevitable filling. Lena closed her eyes and thought of the ocean, waves crashing, tides turning. She wanted to reclaim the water and all that it tried to take from her. _One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi._ Counting all the numbers that lead from then to now helped Lena loosen and become a place where Kara could be and a place that could hold them both, suspended and alive. She held her breath and felt warmth on her face, Kara’s eyes on her watching as the strongest woman in the world became the most gentle, the most tender, the softest. Lena exhaled a long sigh and was in an instant full of golden light. Kara was inside of her, fully and completely and when Lena opened her eyes, all she saw was a blazing sun.

“Lena..”

Kara’s voice was so close to her lips it helped settle her body, it helped her adjust. Everything was quiet, everything was white.

“Kara..”

Neither moved, they simply existed for a long moment, connected and held in place. She could see the way her own heart beat reflected in Kara’s eyes, the way her body gathered around Kara’s hand and pulsed with life and blood and everything human and mortal, everything Kara wasn’t and everything Lena was. The look on Kara’s face told her what words could never say, not human words, maybe not even Kryptonian. She knew Kara was afraid to break or hurt or harm, everything she feared her hands could do to Lena and worse. There was no room for that in the monument to love and bravery that Lena built for a superhero.

“I’m okay...I want this...I need this...from you..”

Lena found her words again when Kara lost hers. Dark attracts light, day becomes night, dusk turns to dawn, every metaphor in the book of love and in the story they were writing applied right now. Science was one thing, magic was another and Lena was lost somewhere between the two and the only way out was through. She moved her hips just enough to get Kara’s attention, rolling against a wrist of steel and an arm of stone. Lena breathed out the word she knew would help.

“Please…”

Kara inhaled a deep breath and closed her eyes while Lena watched a brow become serious and focused. She knew Kara was listening to her body, the way it sounded on the inside and the way her own breathing was starting to shift towards sounds of pleasure and not pain. Lena felt Kara move ever so slightly inside of her as if to reach for only something she could find. It brought all the pieces Lena had lost back together again in one place and it made her feel complete and whole and real. Found. First person. Lena.

“ _Rao_..”

If Kara needed a god to express herself, she could have it as long as she kept moving inside of her and filling her up so full there was nothing left inside for Lena to doubt. Lena’s hands sought shoulders again to hold on and to keep her from floating away. Kara’s breath was hot against her lips and their eyes found each other again. _I see you too, Kara, I always have._

“Please let me taste you…”

Lena could see the desperation on Kara’s face and hear the words even as her body kept moving and somehow became more liquid, molten hot. She’d give everything if it meant something to a superhero, if it kept Kara from the air and kept them from unraveling apart.

“Yes…”

Lena’s own hands were already pushing against shoulders, encouraging, granting permission, letting go. Instead of feeling the loss, Lena felt the blaze of a hungry mouth down her throat and over the swell of her breast, stopping to cover her nipple, hardened from how Kara made her body sing. She couldn’t help it when a low moan escaped her lips, now open and her head tilted back, eyes closed. Her body was on fire everywhere Kara’s mouth sucked and licked and lingered along her belly. It was intense and unbalancing, being full while a pair of strong shoulders settled between her legs. Lena had to grab against the sheets on the bed to ground herself even as her legs spread wider, thighs shaking against her will. Kara’s lips kissed against each one, trying to still the tremble when she wanted nothing but movement. Her hips pressed up and with it, she felt Kara’s hand move with her as she pulled Kara in and tightened around her.

“Fuck..”

She knew that might be the last word she was capable of, especially when Kara’s mouth covered her. _Every star a sun, every ray a tongue_. Lena had a fleeting thought that if this were it, if the world would end, that the last word she spoke should be not the profane but the profound. Her last word should be a prayer, she could wish for a miracle, she would say her galaxy.

“Kara..”

And it was enough, it was enough, it was enough. Kara kissed against her and held her so softly between her lips, sucking her in, that there was nothing left to say. Her hips moved once more and it felt like thunder rolling through her, Kara’s hand pressing inside against where she was full of life ready to be set free. Kara held her heart in her hand like a lock on a box with her mouth as a key, humming against her, Kryptonian words spilling into her and covering her up and filling her with everything that had been missing. Lena didn’t need to save herself, not when a hero was there to catch her fall. She cried out and gave in equal measure.

“I’m coming for you...Kara..”

Lena felt everything she had inside freed and released, her body squeezing wetly against fingers and knuckles and bone immune to the pressure. She cried out in long breaths as Kara’s mouth remained steady, warmth covering her. The sheets of soft pink between her hands could no longer keep her grounded so she blindly reached for Kara’s shoulders, for her hair, for anything to help hold Lena in place and present. Her heart was beating so fast there was no way to count and her legs went slightly numb, still shaking uncontrollably. Lena could feel the tears rolling down the side of her face again, she was crying and she wasn’t sure if she could stop. Lena lost herself and this time, it felt safe. Kara made her feel safe.

_Kara. Always Kara._

***

In the darkest part of the night, Lena had curled on her side while Kara pressed her entire body against her back. She had drifted asleep feeling empty and full at the same time and it was a curious feeling. Now, as dawn was just starting to become, violet-red shifting to orange-pink moving towards gold, Lena blinked when she felt warmth against her back. Kara's eyes on her. She was in National City. She was in Kara’s apartment. She was in Kara’s bed. Her body was sore in that way it could be in the aftermath. Lena voiced what she sensed.

“You’re awake.”

Lena turned to look over her shoulder, finding Kara looking back at her with clear blue eyes, blond hair disheveled in a halo around her pillow, cheek pressed against her arm. Kara’s voice was soft in the pale morning light.

“I am.”

The look on Kara’s face was inscrutable, after everything, after how they had fallen into bed together when they had promised each other they would try again as friends. It made Lena wonder if this had been a mistake and a small part of her wondered what was still missing.


End file.
